Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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