you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
