Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
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