Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
