I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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