no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
