If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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