At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
