My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
