Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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