i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
