He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
