i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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