my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
