Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
