mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
