he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I need a beard to bite.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
