Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
50% drunk capacity currently
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Randomize
