He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
