Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
