The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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