Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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