I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
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I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
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The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.