Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Randomize
