But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.