1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I have already put on my inside pants.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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