Can i not drive my cunt home
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
