I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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