I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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