Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
