ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
