While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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