Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Dicks are not precious.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
