Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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