Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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