I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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