I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
