Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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