What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
