before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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