Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
