We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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