I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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