I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
