I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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