I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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