In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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