I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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