Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
