It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
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