Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
