My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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