i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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