So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
