i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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